Philip's Story

“I'm much freer in myself”

Philip sought therapy because, he said, he couldn’t seem to sustain romantic relationships. He described how he quickly became bored or irritated with his partners at which point he would bring things to an end. After some reflection and time on his own, Philip said he suspected there may be a problem, deep down, with how he felt about himself that resulted in him feeling dissatisfied with others.

Philip came out as gay in his late 20s, which was a great relief to him as he felt he could finally be honest with himself and people in his life. Having grown up in a rural area in a religious family Philip described feeling terrified of his own feelings for other men. During adolescence he felt a hatred and disgust for himself and worked hard to develop a typically ‘masculine’ exterior that he hoped would disguise his sexuality. Although Philip was now living openly as a gay man, accepted by friends, family and colleagues, he still felt like something was ‘wrong’ or ‘faulty’ with him. He explained how he disliked being associated with gay culture, and was especially hostile towards men he considered ‘camp’ or effeminate. In his relationships, Philip struggled demonstrating ordinary affection in public as it made him physically very tense and uncomfortable. This seemed to cause problems with his partners, who felt rejected or confused by his discomfort.

Through EMDR Philip was able to process the intolerable feelings of shame and disgust he felt for himself, which originated in childhood but reached into his adult relationships. During EMDR Philip reported feeling physically freer and more relaxed in himself. He also noted that EMDR helped him to be less controlling of himself and less critical of others.